The night may not be young, but I am.

Can I just swerve away from the normal banter that I usually start carrying on and just express how much I love dogs? I went to Caitlin's house last night, and her dog- a 4 1/2 year old rescued pit bull that endured Hurricane Katrina- made me remember just how much I do, indeed, love dogs. They want to play, have their bellies rubbed, and yeah, they might poop on the carpet because of separation anxiety, but they are dogs- it happens. You pick it up, clean the floor, and hang out with your dog. Love dogs.

Anyway. The service for Allison's mother was this evening. She seemed surprised to see me there. How could I not be there? Maybe she just thought I didn't know. I didn't want to leave her, she said she didn't know half of the people there, and her father showed up, which is awkward, because her mother was not even close to a fan of him, nor was she. I know she is a strong person, but I also know what it's like to go through that, and yeah, you can be strong, but it's still going to wreck you. She said she was feeling numb, which makes perfect sense. I just wish I could do something more proactive for her. She is a really great person, and like I said before, her mother raised her, so she gets credit, too. When the alternator in my car went today, I burst into tears. I was angry. Not about the car- that is just annoying. I was angry that this happens, and yes, I understand that we have the cycle of life and death, and it is better for people to die when they are suffering than to live just to make other people not feel the loss just yet. But anger- not my strongest suit, and only apparent in grieving- struck hard today. Anger toward cancer, anger toward the inevitable bad things happening to good people. It isn't directed at any person or entity, it just is what it is; anger. A frustration with life, because sometimes life is what seems to be unfair. Anger that this is happening in Allison's life.

I didn't know what to say, other than an awkward happy birthday. Really good to see her, sadly because of this. Maybe I can make her some cannoli or pizelle, or we can go on a cocoa run. I don't know. Nothing will help, but at least it won't hurt any more?

What else. Hmm. Didn't sleep much last night. At all. Really. I saw my doctor yesterday- she was very helpful in trying to get me into another Neurology office, but in Springfield. Yikes. 45 minutes from Lee. She is very supportive, I like her- she talks to me like I am a peer, which, I suppose, isn't exactly professional, but still nice. She also told me that she sent my records to my recruiter- which, also, obviously, I am having second and third thoughts about......I told Caitlin about it, and she countered me with volunteering in Haiti. I am not opposed to going with her to Haiti, but her saying that reminded me of my application for volunteer work in the West Bank, which I appreciate. Sometimes, I lose sight of things. Maybe I will go to Haiti next year.

Rawr. So. Yeah. Still haven't rid myself of crushing. But that's OK. I'll just mask it with....a good playlist.
Music is proverbial duct tape.

The Beta Band- Dry the Rain
Billie Holiday- Let's Call a Heart a Heart
Nina Simone- I Want A Little Sugar in My Bowl
No and the Maybes- Monday
City and Colour- Sleeping Sickness
The Flaming Lips- Yoshimi Battles the Robots Part 1
Ben Harper- She's Only Happy in the Sun
Gossip- Swing Low
Howling Bells- Cities Burning Down Again
Jennifer Gentle- I Do Dream You

Awesome, it's half past midnight. I am officially 26 years old. Awkward.